FUNNIES

[Hazel]

SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2007

It  was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.  

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she  replied.

*******************************************************
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid  she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

*******************************************************
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

*******************************************************
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've  been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

*******************************************************
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

*******************************************************

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses Whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,  
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly  at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'. 
_________________
Hazel x

[Hazel]

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently
received a 'Dear John' letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as
follows:

Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love John.

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they
could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,
cousins etc. in addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the
other pictures of the pretty lads she has collected from her buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:


Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f** you are. Please
take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary
_________________
Hazel x

[Hazel]

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:



'RETURNED UNOPENED'
_________________
Hazel x

[Jeanette]

very funny I loved the last one
_________________

" Come with us, if you dare"

Pathfinders lead where others follow.

But doesn't it make you angry when they copy everything that you do?!

[shazam]

A report as come in............
A man has been found dead in an ice cream factory,
When he was found his head was covered in rasberry sauce and hundreds and thousands. Police say he tried to top himself.
_________________
yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if theyre here to stay, now i believe in yesterday.

[Hazel]

Nearly wet myself with these, thanks Lil

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
**********************************************************
On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
**********************************************************
On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
**********************************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.'
**********************************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
**********************************************************
From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y to operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public un-supervised.'
**********************************************************
'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.
**********************************************************
'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.'
**********************************************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
**********************************************************
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking.. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!'
**********************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
**********************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United. 'He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'
**********************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
**********************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'
**********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'
********************************************************** [/b]
_________________
Hazel x

[JME-W]

Brilliant jokes Hazel & Shazm. I can't pick a best one, their all top notch.
_________________
Always respect other peoples opinions.

[Ruthy]

3 Ducks waddled into a pub.
The first one went to the bar and asked for a drink.
The bar person started making conversation with the duck and asked, are you new - i haven't seen you around here before?
The first duck replied, I'm Huey, i'm here visiting for the day with my 2 friends.
The bar person said - you having a nice time here then?
Yes said Huey, i've been having a great time. I've been in and out of puddles all day.
The 2nd duck approached the bar, and again the barperson asks him his name and whether he was having a nice day?
Yes said the 2nd duck, i'm Duey and i too have been in and out of puddles all day.
The 3rd duck approaches the bar to order a drink, and the barperson say's - I suppose your Luey then?
No says the third duck looking rather upset - I'm Puddles!!!!!

A bit saucy I know!!!!
_________________
Seeing is Believing!

[Baggage]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Siva
Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and
Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please


And the flip side...


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a
hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2
sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like ... 'You
know, sometimes I forget to eat!' ... Now, I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills . she
has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day
after I said 'Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of
vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said 'Listen b***h ... do it and die.'

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating
too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh s**t, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her a*s
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Jeanette]

I love the updated nursery rhymes
_________________

" Come with us, if you dare"

Pathfinders lead where others follow.

But doesn't it make you angry when they copy everything that you do?!

[Ruthy]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, ''How can i help you?''
The farmer said, '' I want to get one of those dayvorces''.

The lawyer said ''Do you have any grounds?''
The farmer said, ''Yes, I got 40 acres''
The lawyer said ''No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?''.

The farmer said, ''Yes I got a suit, I wears it to church on sundays.''
The lawyer said, ''No, no, I mean do you have a case?''

The farmer said, ''No, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, ''No I mean, do you have a grudge?''
The farmer said, ''Yes, I got a grudge, thats where I parks the John Deere''.

The lawyer said ''does your wife beat you up or something?''
The farmer said, ''No, we both get up at 4.30.''

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.

The lawyer said, ''Is your wife a nagger?''
The farmer said, ''NO, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and tha's why i wants a dayvorce''.


I hope this doesn't offend anybody - it most certainly isn't intended to!!!
Ruthy x
_________________
Seeing is Believing!

[Baggage]

They say truth is stranger than fiction.......Enjoy! The following are all
replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the
section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,but I
believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do
manage to track down the father can you send me is phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen
again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller
Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 14.
9. Jeans and jumper no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Kebab shop closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Iams instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £3.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ####."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh ####, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Go on - how many did you cringe at
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Jeanette]

Thats me I've turned into Victor Meldrew
_________________

" Come with us, if you dare"

Pathfinders lead where others follow.

But doesn't it make you angry when they copy everything that you do?!

[shazam]

Count yourself lucky Jeanette. I have just realised I am Hyacinth Bucket. lol.
_________________
yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if theyre here to stay, now i believe in yesterday.

[Hazel]

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public


True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written, read to the end.....
---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.
I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
???????
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards

PC ?
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you.
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
_________________
Hazel x

[Baggage]

thats ace I love that

try this one

B & Q JOB APPLICATION

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B******d)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: #150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big t**s and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE...7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Jeanette]

Those are brilliant, just taking notes for my records
_________________

" Come with us, if you dare"

Pathfinders lead where others follow.

But doesn't it make you angry when they copy everything that you do?!

[OnLineGenie]

I couldn't believe it when I found out that Gary Glitter had a date for his release from prison.

She's 8, but with a little makeup could pass for 12.
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[Baggage]

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my
needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:

I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

Rules to live your life by

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

39: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[OnLineGenie]

More updated nursery rhymes:

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman "What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon "Pies you d1ckhead".

Jack be nimble Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
Silly boy, should have jumped higher
Goodness! Gracious! Great balls of fire.
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am
sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me
your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle
hands, it will be safe for ever. No fat birds."
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[Jeanette]

[OnLineGenie]

[OnLineGenie]

A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre so he gave her one.

Celine Dion walked into a pub and ordered a drink. The barman said "Why the long face?"
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Darlene
got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Darlene got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Darlene didn't get
pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Darlene with me.'
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

Testicles,balls,gonads,plums,nuts, gollies, ...

Sorry I'm talking bollocks again.
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I think that I may have finally found inner peace.


A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.


Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.



hic xxx
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

Canadian sense of humour:-

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary, Alberta. West
Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
on a West Jet flight. There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want. Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
-----------------------
On another West Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver airport, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a
flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."
-----------------------
>From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to
Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling, stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton; The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
our airplane to the gate!"
------------------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
-------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
-----------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of West Jet Airways."
-----------------------
Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
-----------------------
A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. W hat do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between ' ooooooh'and ' aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[OnLineGenie]

the other day,I said "doctor ,you've got to help me i keep having visions
of the future."
He replied,"when did these start?"
I said "next Thursday!"
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[Jeanette]

Where do you get them from
_________________

" Come with us, if you dare"

Pathfinders lead where others follow.

But doesn't it make you angry when they copy everything that you do?!

[OnLineGenie]

Lots of places. People email me jokes and I post the best ones here. But I get a lot from a message board I belong to: The Motley Fool. It's mainly for financial advice, but they have a joke board too.
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[Jeanette]

Someone emailed me this at work today

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this one...........

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f%#*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
_________________

" Come with us, if you dare"

Pathfinders lead where others follow.

But doesn't it make you angry when they copy everything that you do?!

[shazam]

A young woman goes into the chemist and says, Have you got cotton wool balls? The pharmacist replies, What do you think I am a bloody teddy bear?
_________________
yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if theyre here to stay, now i believe in yesterday.

[shazam]

Paddy buys two goldfish and calls them One and Two. Mick says thats funny names to give your goldfish, why did you call them that? Paddy replies, Well if One dies I still got Two left.
_________________
yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if theyre here to stay, now i believe in yesterday.

[OnLineGenie]

I've been testing a voice-activated car stereo. I shouted "Rock" and it played The Who. I shouted "Country and Western" and it played Dolly Parton.

Then some school children ran into the road in front of me. I wound down the window and shouted "F***ing children" and it started playing Gary Glitter.

*****************************

Burger King have introduced the Gary Glitter Burger: 60 year old meat that comes on 10 year old baps.
_________________
Mark Syder (like the drink but spelt different)
OnLineGenie Web Design and Hosting: http://www.onlinegenie.net

[shazam]

ooohhh Mark S. That last joke was a bit risque
_________________
yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if theyre here to stay, now i believe in yesterday.

[Baggage]

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes
only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer
than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and ifyou want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better Man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[Baggage]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.


She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old

you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the

hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I? 'He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's
_________________
each days a gift and not a given right so live life like you'll never live it twice

[shazam]

A man goes to the doctors and explains he is embarrassed that his manhood is only very small. The doctor who was also a magician said.`I can cure this easily, right, every time someone says, Sorry, Pardon, Excuse me, your manhood will grow by an inch. `OK ` says the man sarcastically, he didnt really believe that could happen, but he thought he would see what happens. The next day as he is walking through a door, the person in front accidently let the door swing back onto the man, `Sorry` says the person......BBBBMMMMFFFF, wow all of a sudden the man gets a strange feeling in his pants, later when he looks, indeed he had grown an extra inch. `Wow this is cool` He thought. A few days later, the man was at the airport with his friend waiting to go on holiday. All of a sudden the friend burped. `Excuse me` says the friend. BBBBMMMMFFFF. The same thing happens again. The man is so pleased. When he reaches his destination of Saudi Arabia. He decides to go to the market with his friend, it was very busy. All of a sudden, by accident a man wearing an arabian head dress bumps into him. The man looks at him and says....
`A Thousand Pardons Sir`.....BBBBBBBBBBBBBMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
_________________
yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now they look as if theyre here to stay, now i believe in yesterday.

[Ruthy]

That was brill Lynn - just brill!!!
_________________
Seeing is Believing!

[Ruthy]

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said
''I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time''
The wife thought about this for a few moments and then said
''Your cock's bigger than your brother's''.
_________________
Seeing is Believing!

[Ruthy]

A farmer catches his dog making love to a cabbage, he thought it was a cauli!!!
Sorry - bad i Know
_________________
Seeing is Believing!

[Ruthy]

A little old lady answered a knock at her door to be met by a vacuum cleaner sales man.
''Fuck off'', she said.
Next thing the sales man tips a bucket of horse manure on her hall carpet and says ''if this doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure madam, I will eat the remainder''.
Well, say's the old lady I hope your fucking hungry, beacause the electricity was cut off this morning!''
_________________
Seeing is Believing!